From: Musser, John CPO USN (CNRE PAO)
Sent: Wednesday, February 01, 2006 9:04 AM
To: 'Connoisseurs_Of_Good_Emails@Email_di_Musser.Com'
Subject: A thank you note to send to senders of goofy emails ...

you know ... the emails which also contain a 6-mile chain of 
addresses where they've already been sent?  Here's a good
'Thank you' note I found which may be an appropriate reply:

DEAR _________________ :

Thank you for sending me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of the concern of my email friends, I no longer drink Coca Cola, because it can remove rust and stubborn toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave, because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones, because I could be pricked with a needle infected with the HIV virus, and I will contract AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water-buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls, because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I never flash anyone w/my headlights at night when I see them driving w/out headlights.  They could be gang members looking to kill me.

I always check under my car (and in the back seat) when I use a self-service gas station, because some guy with a knife could have crawled in there while I was inside paying. 

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone might ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to St. Thomas, Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, or Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me after I have forwarded certain emails.

Thanks to timely and informative emails like yours, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

... but that will change once I receive the $20,000 that Bill Gates' Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

I really do think it's appropriate that I return the favor ...

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 147,312 people in the next 7 minutes, an overweight pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will fly over your head sometime after 5:42 p.m. this afternoon.  I know this will occur, because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician ... so there ...

:)